Goodbyes

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Off she went today. Part two of a four part high school program that every teenager must go through. I’ve always been a sentimental mom internally. I hide it well, but it’s there. However, since my world fell apart on June 2nd, it’s escalated to full blown anxiety mode. When they leave now I worry tremendously, and I sleep less. What was a mom’s worry, has turned into something more, almost a phobia. I’ve sat back and thought, a second disaster would be the perfect storm right now. It would top the cake of this insane situation, which no one deserves. One kid with terminal cancer, one kid gets hit by a car or worse, one husband disappears… or worse! Yes, harsh, but that’s how I’m left to think after everything. So my mind moves like this, consistently, every day, every minute. I’m not the same friend, daughter, wife, mom that I used to be. I’ve changed, and it’s only going to get worse. My brain is a never ending swirl of insane fears and conjured up emotions of which I have no idea where they’ve evolved from, or do I? We all have fears, as parents, and spouses, and children. However, I feel them more absolutely now than I ever had previously. At any moment I know that anything, even those things I feel we all deserve wholeheartedly, can be ripped from my hands and no one, no matter how hard they try, no matter how much knowledge they have in this area, can give that back to me. I know this now… It makes me freeze in place sometimes. I stop, and think, and shake my head and move on. As if shaking my head will make it go away. We think we know sorrow, or suffering, but when your child gets that diagnosis, you really “know” it. I’ve been through a lot in life, those close to me know this, but I’ve never had this. In my mind right now it’s all about what’s next, when is the next disaster. PTSD, possibly… I’m pretty sure it’s there… deep down. I vaguely remember the week before Katie’s diagnosis. I scarcely remember June. Snippets, all revolving around poor Katie, doctors, heads and hands, lots of tears, needles, gifts, and hugs. I don’t think it’s actually hit me yet, sadly. Here my child is diagnosed with the worst brain cancer she could possibly get, everyone is on overdrive and I can’t think, or remember anything. I just sit here, trying my best to be polite, give timely responses, give thanks, be there for everyone and remember anything and any of it… And I write, I write to remember, and I someday hope to stop preparing for the next disaster. – mom

13 thoughts on “Goodbyes

  1. Oh Friend. I am so sadden of how you feel deep inside. I can’t even imagine how and what you feel. I wish we can wake up from this bad dream. No matter what I say can’t make you feel any different. I used to believe that things happen for a reason. But why you?? Why Katie? But then I am brought back to praying and asking God for that miracle or just some more time with your precious Katie. And now I pray to keep you in peace. Take all your anxiety away from you. And remember always I’m here for you ALWAYS. Love you.

  2. The day my son was diagnosed, I started suffering from CRS…Cant Remember Sh@!
    Its worse than pregnancy brain. We are thrown into the insane unknowns of pediatric cancer, forced to claw are way through any answers that might save our baby. The unknowns drive us crazy and we become hyper sensitive to every body movement, pronunciation, and tummy aches. You are right, it changes who we once were, and paves a brave new path for who we need to be …for our children and each other ♡ hugs

    1. Maybe that’s what it is. My brains making room for what’s important. That’s a much better way of thinking about it. Thank you. Jaime

  3. I am so sorry for this journey you are walking and all that goes along with it.I have walked on your shoes and can relate to all your feelings.I just came across Katherine’s story but from today on I will be saying prayers for her.Her pictures remind me of my daughter who was also 6 when diagnosed with DIPG.Keep positive and I will be praying for your miracle.

  4. I wish I could jump through this phone right now and squeeze you tight. I sit back sometimes and ask God, “why do bad things happen to good people” But then I realize, things happen out of our control and all we’re left to do, is to FIGHT the best way we know how. I will never have enough words to express how saddened and sorry I am that your family is going through this. All I can do is keep praying and hoping God gives you the strength you need to keep fighting. I hope one day all your anxiety will be gone. Lots of love and hugs ❤

  5. My dear friend, my heart has been aching since I read the sad news. I think of you and Katie every day and I pray for you every day! I can’t imagine what it feels like to be in your shoes. You are such a strong human being! I’ve always felt admiration and respect for you. I met you when you were very young and you have always been such a hard working girl, always willing to help other with a smile on your face. My friend, please don’t give up. Faith moves mountains! Sending our love, prayers, and thoughts.

    1. Maria, thank you so much for all of your prayers and good wishes! Thank you for the admiration, I have felt it for you too. When ever I struggled with the girls and my family I always thought of you and how you did it, staying so calm and patient and always being there even when you didn’t want to be, I’m sure. I love you!

  6. Jaime I wish I had the words to say to you that would make this all go away?? I wish you didn’t have to do this but there is one thing I am realizing through this..your going to save lives Jaime! Keep writing for yourself for Katie and for all the mamas who’s babies have cancer because your going to save lives

    My love and prayers to all of you

    Michelle

    1. Michelle, there are no words. I know… I wish for them often too. I am finding that writing the words in my head, good or bad is what’s helping and I hope it can help someone some day. That would mean the world to me!

      1. Oh Jaime I a most certain that it is and will help as you said maybe PTSD but I feel very certain your going to make tremendous things happen

  7. +AMDG+
    Hello Jamie and Katie!
    I have been thinking and praying for y’all since I met you a week or so ago in front of the lemonade stand; I am the scrapbook lady. I would love to help you through this difficult time by assisting you in creating a beautiful scrapbook for Katie. I hope we can touch base soon, but whatever is convenient for you. Y’all remain in my prayers as I can see what a toll illness takes on all of those involved. Pax Domini, Cathleen (Scrapbook Cathleen)

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