Purpose

I loved this boy. And I never had a chance to meet him, which is usually what’s required for me to love someone. I’m harder that way. I followed his life. It was instant with him. He had an easy to love face and a story that was easy to connect to. And Katie was going through the same thing at the same time. I feel for this whole family and I dread this scenario in the future. I well up and push it back down quickly, every time the thought crosses my mind. There’s nothing you can say to this mom, any mom, me… that will help us or make it easier. And that sucks. And we cancer moms carry that guilt too. Did we do enough, or say enough thank you’s for our kid, our family, our caregivers, friends, volunteers, supporters. Were we grateful enough where it showed… Please let it show. Without guilt. It’s distracting and painful. It will still be there though. The guilt and worry. We have to keep moving and have a purpose so that we don’t stop and lose our focus and all that we’ve pushed back down, then spills out. I’ll find my purpose. I’ll have to, or else. If I hurt this bad for a boy that I’ve never met, I am definitely not prepared for a similar scenario with a child which I carried with me and cherished for nine months and loved for over 7 years. No, that would be impossible without a purpose.‪#‎MommaTheBrave‬

Johns Journey

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