Relief

I can’t believe I’ll never get to say another silly word to her, and then watch her face light up at the funny thoughts and words that come spilling out of our heads… I’ll never, ever, be able to do that again. Ever. I still can’t believe it. I can’t hold her. Rub her hand. Look down on her. Reach out and push her close to my hip and squeeze her in. Call her silly names. Refer to her in the present, or plan for her in the future, any more. She’s gone. It’s just getting harder. The pain… And reality of it all.
It was so relieving at first to watch her be pain free, and go. I was actually relieved for her, and for us. I felt guilty. So very guilty for that. She was free at last from the hell she was living, and the cancer coursing through her frail and weak body, as it caused her organs to fail one by one, from the bottom up. I didn’t have to watch her suffer anymore. We were all free. The guilt of these post death thoughts are staggering. Although, I had wondered rather quickly when I would really feel the suffering that a mother of a child gone too soon “should” feel. Well, I wonder no longer.
Now it’s just anger and pain that she was in this state of hell she suffered at all. The nightmare of the 12 months we suffered. What was stolen from us. What we fought to preserve and still were unable too. What we can’t do. Ever. 
We find little joy in our small feats and accomplishments during this time that we had with Katherine. Right now they just don’t seem enough. Nothing can make them anymore than that right now. Please understand that. It’s going to take us time to be aware of our surroundings, in any form.
She didn’t deserve this. She deserved so much more. She was amazing. To me she was so much more than amazing. Katherine was everything. Katherine was unfinished. Katherine was endless.
#KatherineTheBrave #DIPGMonster #YourNamePrecedesYou #KatherineTheLegend #Regret #NightsAreHarder #DIPG #LovesAndKisses

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