Katherine’s Still Here.
I have met a child with so much love and laughter in her smile, that she would infuse this same emotion into thousands of complete strangers, who are now family, they know me, they feel her, like I feel her.
I have attended to a child’s needs so fixedly, as if I could save her with my care and love, thinking that if I kept going, even when it felt impossible, maybe she would keep going, maybe my attention to detail could save her, she was so strong this child, she was so whole.
I have loved a child so openly, and wholeheartedly, in an attempt to soak it all in, I was going to feel everything she was, and remember it, knowing my child would be gone soon meant I had to try harder to soak it all in, there was no end date, we said goodbye every day, in little ways.
I have hugged someone so deeply, with the hope of bringing her back to life, as she took her last breath, cradling her, crying, pleading for a chance to go back to do this again, because next time I will do it better, I won’t make so many mistakes, saying sorry, so many sorrys to my child.
I’ve allowed someone to permeate me so much, that watching her die in my arms, in such a horrible traumatic way, has permanently ruined my sense of (well) being, I am not me anymore, I am lying when I say I am, and when you see me as I was, I am acting, I am dead inside, I need her to live again.
I currently sit outside my own body, subconsciously, and watch my mind completely lose itself in incomprehensible ways, irrationality, resentment, fear, hell, the thoughts…
I have refused to believe she is gone, my mind tells me in so many ways that she is coming back, scenarios in my dreams of her being lost, or kidnapped, she will be back soon, my mind can’t process this.
I come back to myself I tell myself its real, this is real, but my brain always wins. My brain knows something I don’t. she’s not gone, she’s still here it says, but where, there are no signs yet, and I want one.
A sign would make holding her things alone, on a Wednesday morning, crying, so much better.