Monthly Archives: October 2016

I am the Walking Dead

Everyone’s all, “Oh no Glen… my worlds ending. I can’t go on…” And I’m just over here like, I watched a real person die in my arms of a murderer called #DIPG and I survived, barely, too…
If only people would get as upset about our children dying of cancer every day, as they do about #TheWalkingDead’s actor getting killed off and making tons of money for it, then we’d have a cure by now.
What I wouldn’t give for one more damn Halloween with this beautiful child who was living, breathing, and wholesome. Like Glens character, she was an old soul, who saw the beauty in the horror of his/her existence. She made happiness out of hell. She smiled in pain and suffering. Her and Glen were a lot alike. They cared for others. Deeply. But she was real… very real. 
This is in no way me calling out those who watch this show. Or those that were truly crushed by Glens death. This is simply a comparison I see in my own mind when I see higher trending posts such as this, but yet here I am fighting to spread awareness fruitlessly, and one person at a time, and I need to point that out. Please don’t hate on me, it’s been a hard few days…
#KatherineTheBrave

#MoreThanFour

#LovesAndKisses

#SeeYouNextTime

#SwoopMyCancerUpLikeMedicine

Live again

We are trying to learn how to live again, although it seems so unfair to live at all. I ache all day long for the loss of my sweet child, yet I’m trying to find joy in the little things for her. We try to hide from what hurts, but not avoid life. Everything we do is contradictory to our instincts, though it demonstrates that she was real. I don’t anticipate that these feelings will go away anytime soon, and I guess it’s for my own good that they don’t… #KatherineTheBrave #HolidaysWillBeHard #LovesAndKisses #SeeYouNextTime #Forever7

Nightmares

It’s hard to focus all day when you’ve spent most of your night crying in your sleep from horrible dreams. Horrible dreams that are my life. It’s almost as if I dream reality, and in my dreams I can actually show true emotions. Emotions that do not come out in the open light of day… Those dreams were real, what I deal with every day in my mind, and around me, and for the past year and a half. So very strange to see them in a dream, and sob to myself. The harsh realism of it, my actual life, hitting me emotionally in a private place. The reality of waking up and realizing that you dreamt your life, and considered it a nightmare is so hard to grasp. So hard to focus today. Katie Baby, you are so missed… and this is harder than anything I’ve ever experienced in my life. More caffeine please…
Photo Courtesy of Timothy Beck, thank you for memorializing our children. I remember her like this in my dream. Dark, smiling, forever imprinted in my memories as one of my most amazing creations, and a meaningful part of my existence. Although, still not real to me. Not physical. I can’t reach her anymore. This picture says so much.
#KatherineTheBrave #DIPG #LovesAndKisses

I am angry. I miss her. She deserved more.

I have so much swirling in my mind right now. I really needed this Saturdays celebration of life to be a stepping stone into our emotional journey of healing. I was so incredibly wrong, and right, about that. It comforted, and weakened us, in so many ways. How can someone feel so much in one day? Dredging up suffering we thought we had restored to our fragile emotions these past few months, yet calming parts of our souls we haven’t felt in over a year. We are still there, just broken. On Saturday we felt these emotions over, and over again, and we still are feeling them. I am as astonished as you, as to the determination and perseverance that parents of children who pass can possess. I receive this comment often. How do you do it? I don’t know. I don’t… I feel like a hot mess all day long. Though, I usually end that statement with, “I’m angry. I miss her. She deserved more.”
I hear a wind chime outside. A loud beautiful wind chime gifted to us after Katie passed. She never got to hear it. It’s mixed in musical harmony with Katie’s wind chimes. She had so many… The wind is blowing the leaves, their rustling on the ground. Though the loudest sounds are the leaves on the branches, swaying in cool breezes… refusing to fall. She deserved to enjoy this day… She would have asked why they refused to fall. She was so intuitive. I would have told her they were strong, and Brave, like her. She is no longer able to ask these questions, or wonder these things. By this point the tears are falling, and I’m 100% not ok, nor strong. She is gone Jaime. Focus.
Every moment, of every day, is encapsulated by Katherine, Tori and Alissa. I am learning that there is no escape when your child dies, and a very large part of you is gone with them. Those that are left, are forced to pay the price for this. Your own mind keeps you there, in that time and space, on that day they left you, regardless of your efforts to escape it. It feels as if they are here and coming around the corner any minute. It was all a dream, and it can’t be real. It’s as if they are still alive, and real, and warm, but you can’t touch them… You are not going to turn around anymore and see her there, where she was always for 7 years, reliably. She is forever lost to you, but still everywhere. She is a musical note of familiarity, a vision within your hindsight, a whisper through your subconsciousness. She was endless. But she is gone, I am angry, I miss her, and she definitely deserved more.
#KatherineTheBrave

#DIPG

#LovesAndKisses