I woke up twice last night. Both times crying. So hard I wasn’t breathing… I normally take a small dose of something to help me sleep. You know, to be able to fall asleep at all. After being awake pretty much for an entire year, it helps… My sleep patterns were every two hours, sometimes a little more, for so long. When Katherine was declining, sleep wasn’t necessary. My body took hold and fought it, subconsciously. I was able to step back from the edge, and be there for my daughter, and breathe. Thank you body… I tried to be so strong for her. I don’t know if she felt it, but I did my best. I tried so hard baby…
In my last dream, Katherine was trying to find me. She was in a chair in front of me, and me behind her. I was in between sleep and awareness at this point. Up until that moment, I was doting, holding her, once while she was dying. Again. Another while she was searching for something. Trying to help her. But here I was. Somewhat aware that I was dreaming. This was just a dream, and suddenly I became aware of this. And her, facing the other direction, in front of me, in a chair, turning left, right, saying, “Mommy… I want to play Legos. I’m stronger now. Can we play Legos.” Left and right she looked. My first thought was YES! They are in the bags… We have some Legos that we bought, remember, the princess castle on the beach. They are in the bags, the bags I packed after you died… Then I froze. A wave washed over me. I realized it was a dream, and my world fell apart suddenly… I froze and stared. The tears coming down so fast now. Indecision… If I wake up now, if I cry too hard, it will not be real. If I stay here, I will be lying to myself. I felt selfish for wanting to stay in that dream, and take her time when she should be free and happy. I’ve always been one to not bullshit myself in life. I don’t like falsities, and I fight them every day. So I left… I backed away, she called me again.. “Mom, can we play Legos…” I kept backing way, until I woke up crying. I just stared at the walls for several minutes and fell apart again. David walked over, and hugged me for a long time. In silence. What can he say, there is nothing.
This is so sad. This life is so meaningless right now. I am keeping myself busy. Maybe so busy I don’t deal with things as I should. This is how I’ve always been, and my only recourse. I’m turning up the volume so loud that I can’t think about the things that matter too much to me. I’m filling the lack of color in my life, with other things to hide its dullness. In reality I’m hiding from the realism of it all. It’s crushing me…swallowing me whole… stealing my soul. I’m so sorry Katherine. I miss you so much. I am so sorry. I’m just so sorry.