It’s so very cold…

 

It’s a cold winter here. Sort of like my emotions lately. Frozen in a parallel universe of BC (before cancer) and AD (after death). I just can’t stop the flood of guilt and regret from Katie’s struggle. Every single time I see her picture or remember her in a place we’ve already been, like here, a whisper slips out so quietly so that others do not hear me, “I’m so sorry Katie Baby.” Because I am. I’m just so very sorry. Just saying the words evokes tears. She suffered more than any adult I know could handle. She fought so hard to hide it. For us… most kids fighting this battle do the same. Even when they want to give up they still fight for us. It’s just simply not fair. I wanted more time. More of a chance. I sit here in a gifted luxury suite, in mammoth, surrounded by the most amazing and giving people, a week before Katherine’s first AD birthday, and I’m still so heartbroken and traumatized by the past two years of my child’s life. How could this happen! She was getting older. Easier to travel with. We were vacationing more. And her life was stolen from her right when she could appreciate this existence the most. So I sit here. In my fancy digs, crying… watching the beautiful snow fall down, and the happy families clomping on down to the gondolas, excited, and I cry. I feel happy and warm for brief periods of time. I share those emotions. Until… So where’s my silver lining. Why can’t I see it. Maybe the lack of clouds in the sky. Maybe the cold chill will clear up. And the one in my heart… Maybe tomorrow. Always tomorrow. We’ll try again tomorrow. #SeeYouNextTime #KatherineTheBrave #DIPG #LovesAndKisses

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