I saw you today Katherine. I saw you in your cousins faces, dressed in princess gowns, giggling and smiling. I saw your joy in them. I saw you in the celebration of another year of your cousins life. I saw you in our family gathering, everywhere. I stared frozen, hurting, and I cried. I wish I could say that seeing you in them made me happy. That I wasn’t dying inside when I felt you everywhere. But I can’t… You my sweet Katherine were the absolute best cousin ever. You cared so much about everyone elses joy. I drove home, sad and quiet, and I saw the green hills, and you in them. The cool breeze blowing the tall green grass reminded me of Easter, and us, and you… Stuck in traffic I just stared up there at all that green cascading the entire sky line, and my first instinct was to say, “Girls look! Isn’t it so pretty?!” It was so important to me that you girls saw the beauty in things, even to the point of exhaustion sometimes. You would respond, still being so young, similarly to how your sisters would respond at your age, “Yes, it’s beautiful, can we go see it… There’s horses up there. Look at the horses!” Then I remember, and I’m devastated all over again. I remember June 6th. Your last breath. You really are gone, and there is a huge gaping hole in our lives now. And I’m broken again. Driving. Sad. Silent.
I miss you baby. And I’m so incredibly sorry that we could not save you, and keep you here with us. I am sad that you could not be there when we sat around and talked today, at your families party, and watched as your cousin blew out his candles. You deserved to be here. Not this. This is not ok. It will never be ok.