Healing

Somebody told me the other day that it’s been scientifically proven that it takes about 3 to 6 months for someone who has experienced a loss of somebody they love to start healing. I just smiled and thought of all of the other people that have said that to me. It’s been 10 months since Katherine has passed and I still can’t breathe when I think about my child who is no longer here. So, I just disproved that fact, and it’s going into the mental BS bank where all of the other scientifically proven facts, and unsolicited advice, are stored. I miss her more now than I did in the first 3 to 6 months. I don’t think about normal things like were those wrinkles, I’m dreading this meeting, wish I didn’t have to drive in this traffic, how do I make an excuse to avoid that party, I should change up dinner and make something else tonight. None of that matters anymore everything I do is constantly and utterly shadowed by June 6, 2016. As a parent of a child who has passed away your whole world is surrounded by the events leading up to and the day of your child’s death. Anything you do that even gives you the microscopic hint of joy is followed by intense guilt and then sadness. How could somebody get over that, it’s simply impossible, as it should be. If guilt and sadness is all you have, then you are actually better than most really… The guilt and sadness are not shocking to me, although I know it will be to most of you. What we’ve gone through is unimaginable, and I don’t wish it or this pain on anybody. Our lives are forever affected. Every decision that we make is paled by the memories of our daughter who is no longer here. Watching my husband come out of his job crying yesterday because a memory of Katherine ruined the presentation in front of all of his coworkers has opened my eyes to this theory. It happens to me all the time, but I’m a mother and this is expected. To watch a grown man struggle in the same manner just solidified how frail we have become as humans after this tragedy. I’ve been sitting here, as most of us do after something like this and waiting. Each day waiting for it to get easier. Waiting for each anniversary to pass by, so maybe the next one won’t be as difficult. But I am mistaken, each anniversary gets harder, and more complicated. Each anniversary means I am farther away from my life and experience with Katherine. That is why this is so much harder as each day passes, and why it gets worse. In a way I look to the future with a grimace and pain, and not joy. There is a silver lining here, which I’ve accepted. I also look to the future with more understanding and a deeper appreciation for life and family in general. I just wish that it didn’t take the death of my daughter Katherine to make me realize it. Regardless of my empathy for life and heroism before Katherine’s death, nothing compares to it now. I hope that by following Katherine story, and watching her go through the struggle on to death, that you were also changed. That you care more deeply and are aware that this cancer with a 0% survival rate exists, and that it angers you enough to be part of the change. Today is the day, make the change. For Katherine. #KatherineTheBrave #DIPG

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