I found her!

She found her! After the war. And the rebellion. And the fight to find her. We. Fought. To. Find. Her. I got lucky. I found the key to the lock. The one person who could find my lost soul. This woman found her. In this strange place. The woman looked at me, smiled, then looked towards my child and pointed. She stood there. My child. In the middle of something else. Stopped. And stunned. She smiled to me and started running down the sidewalk. Her crooked smile. I ran to her and fell. I hugged her. On my knees and she smiled. I caressed her hair. So golden. Too scared to look at her face, even though it felt so real. Because as I’m hugging and crying in sleep and in life it’s dawning on me. Shes so clean and well taken care of. Where has she been? Quick bursts of hugs now. Soaking it in. It’s dawning. I feel her bones. Her weak bones. The sucked in skin around her collar. I remember those. She’s transforming before my eyes, yet she doesn’t let go. Such a strong determined hug. This realization brings me comfort. She was real. I’m not imagining it. It quickly brings me sadness too. I remember now. I realize what’s happening. I’m awake enough. It’s just a dream. She died. She’s not lost. She’s dead. No need to let the dream play out anymore. 😔I force it gone and sob. I sob so hard I sit up to breathe. I’m still sobbing. My baby. She’s gone. She will always be gone. I will always cry. Self medicate. Envy. Suffer. I will be in a permanent sad dream and will never have a fully happy one again. Or her… That thought of forever is what’s hardest. I tell myself that that’s ok. As long as I can save her. Each and every time. At least I can accomplish something for her. Which I couldn’t here. And even if it’s just a sad dramatic dream. It’s all I have left. 
I’m so sad tonight as sleep escapes me again.

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