Daily Archives: November 1, 2017

Friend loss…

One of the biggest fears as I mourn my daughter’s death, besides the fact that I will never be able to wrap my arms around her, or take her tiny, soft, and precious hands in mine, is what others think of my healing process after her death. It’s true… This is my life: Get out of bed. Not cry noticeably. Smile and feign happiness for my other children. Focus on my job, because you know… that pays the bills. Try not to share her story with every passing person I meet, unsolicited. Take any and every opportunity at the last minute to get out, and forget this existence, then rush back home because of anxiety, and veg. Try to get through the day, to go to bed, and get up the next day, and repeat it again. That’s what I can do, and anything that requires more than that, is a crap shoot. And let’s say, on the off chance that you are ever on the receiving end of that crap shoot, that you’ve wandered away from our friendship, or stepped aside because you “just can’t”, or feel I’m unapproachable, then I am regretful that you gave up. It’s not you, it truly is me, but if I told you that I was sorry, I am being untruthful. Because you can’t be sorry for things you cannot control. I am technically sorry, but not for the reasons you think. I’m sorry that I can’t be the old me, that’s all a foggy blur now. I’m sorry that I can’t be a new me, post child loss. I’m sorry that I can’t be any me that would satisfy what you’d expect of me. I can’t be the me that was, or the me that fought for my daughter’s life, or the me directly after she died, or the me from even on hour ago. It’s like my emotions are playing hopscotch with my thoughts, and I just can’t get my rock into the “friend” square… So yes, I’m sorry for that, and that only. Not because of my mourning process, but because your expectations of my mourning process are lost on what we once were as friends. And some people have failed to see their reservations towards me in that same manner that I have given towards them, so there’s that to ponder… But I’d like to think that’s I’ve been through enough to deserve the effort, but maybe others would disagree. Either way, I’ve lost everyone, in some way or another. Some have stayed, and pushed through with me, and understand this journey, or want to, or pretend to really well just for me, and that works too. And hopefully they will remain for years to come, because I’m a year out, and I feel like she just died yesterday, so… it’s going to be a while.
So, for those of you that can hang with me during the impassive yet emotional evolution I’m currently struggling through, I can’t promise you shit, but I can promise to try, and that’s going to have to be enough. And besides, I bring good dip to the parties, so… it might be wise to keep inviting me, becuase one day I might just show up with it! 🙂
Love and Kisses, See You Next Time…