Daily Archives: January 4, 2018

“She’s only dead Jaime, calm down…”

“She’s only dead Jaime, calm down…”

In my dreams she is not dead. Every time, the same thing… she is lost. Taken from me, without my knowledge. It feels worse somehow… I guess it’s the same in a way. Her being taken from me without my consent. I mean, I didn’t approve of her dying like this. I fought for her life. But differently, it’s crushing to think that your baby is still out there, and missing. I long for her touch, and to hear her voice again. And sometimes I sit and have to remind myself that it’s real, and that she’s really gone. And as miniscule as it may seem, that realization, the finality of it, gives a small comfort to me that I didn’t realize was there. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t know. If there was a chance to feel her again, and to see her smile as she grew up in “this” world. The word insanity comes to mind. All kinds of insane thoughts, and feelings. When I dream this way, which is every time I dream of her, I cry so much. I shake, and scream, and breakdown. I fall often to my knees and reach out for her, and she isn’t there, but it feels like she is. A blur. People moving, and she is somewhat there, standing still, staring at me, but I can’t reach her. Thinking she’s still alive but stolen from me in a dream is so hard to cope with. I woke up today crying, and had to remind myself that she was really dead. You heard that right, “Calm down Jaime, she’s dead… Breathe” I cried out, and David rubbed my back so I could sleep again. He mentioned it to me later, but I didn’t want to upset him so I didn’t talk about it. Little triggers. Why are my dreams worse than my already harsh existence… I don’t need anymore “realness” in my life. I’ve had enough real stuff to go around a lifetime. I’m sorry to those that have had to experience that realness, or are experiencing that now. Of course I am sorry for everyone who has lost a child period, but after experiencing this in many dreams, I’m crushed for those that don’t know if their child is dead or alive. Because I know. As hard as it is to admit, I know. A small blessing in my child’s death, and I’m sorry to have it. – #mommathebrave

#KatherineTheBrave #DIPG