Wonder

I wonder if she just wanted to swim away and forget it all? I know I did. And do…

I had a rough night(day/month/year/life…) last night. Nightmares. Night terrors. I feel things that aren’t real. Physically, visually, and emotionally ina blur. And they scare me… Nothing feels good about it. 2.5 years of this. Nothing positive or happy in my dreams.

I had a sudden realization today. Like every day. She’s gone. Forever. I stopped and gasped. I almost grabbed a wall. I will know nothing more of her than what I know now. I will learn nothing more of her than I have already learned.

She’s gone. Just gone and for nothing. The trauma is unforgivable and tragic. And there always… Hiding. Waiting to escape at every turn of the page or change in the wind.

Every day, a reminder of my loss and hers.

😔💔

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