Daily Archives: May 1, 2018

Old accounts

Walked past an elementary school today. I thought, to myself… I should be at a table doing homework with my 9 year old right now. Planning for an exciting summer. Worrying about how I was going to possibly manage it all. I just sighed and sucked it in. Finished my walk and deflected the tight gulp in my chest and throat as I held back the emotions.

I made it home and tried to wipe the disgust and shame of my life off with distraction. Started going through documents, a never ending task for us all. Then I began I update some details on my medical accounts and profiles. Until I came across this…

No. She is not 9 Walgreens. She stopped breathing at 7… we will not be filling anymore prescriptions for her. She filled enough in 12 months to last a lifetime anyway. And none of it helped. None of it.

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

You’ve spent enough time grieving…

“It’s important that you be there for your other daughters…” translates to, “You’ve spent enough time grieving…”

I don’t need a reminder that I have two other children. I held them for 9 months, and raised them right alongside the daughter that didn’t make it. In fact, they raised her with me. They were like her 2nd and 3rd mommies. I wonder how long their allowed to grieve their sisters death? These half moms of Katherine. Maybe they’ll get half the time. Or maybe even the same as me. Who has that bereavement book with the timeline. Or better yet, just be sure to share all of the opinions that you have and I’ll just go off of that… seriously.

May is here. I’ve spent the past two days either crying or being extremely angry and broken. It’s worse than year one. The shock is wearing off and she is still gone. Everyday a new realization that she is definitely not coming back. It hits me like a 1000 little half breaths, none completely filling my lungs. My baby is gone. I know, but you must try. But she took me with her. I can see that, but you are strong. I just don’t “feel” it anymore. Who could blame you, but you’ve gone this far. I’m tired of trying to find those old feelings again. It’s gone. I’m sorry, but you have no choice if you want to move forward. Heal…

If I could have said just one more goodbye. Just one.

#MadAsHell #CrocodileAngryTears #ImHandlingThisGracefully #IGracefullyDidntCatchThatLampIThrew #ButIGracefullyCleanedItUp #NoOneGotHurt #ExceptTheLamp #MyBad #IveAlwaysHatedThatLamp

https://youtu.be/l_EmZ-LsLqs