Old age is not lost on me. I’m noticing small things. My body is not at all happy with me. I’m tying to make peace with it. I’m trying to age gracefully as we all do, but I feel as if the process sped up in my case. A rapid aging of my mind and soul. My body is catching up to my mind I suppose. They are not in sync at all.
As if old age wasn’t bad enough, I’m so devastated that I have to experience a majority of the rest of my long, slow, new awareness without one of my children to lean on and celebrate our milestones together. It makes each change in my life, each new realization of the natural process of aging so awkward and strange. I relish Tori and Alissas experiences and I share mine, but we all feel something is missing. There was another little person that walked alongside us and she just disappeared.
These natural occurrences are already so hard to stomach, but when we have those young beautiful people to make us feel like we accomplished something it makes it so much easier. Well… one of my beautiful young reminders of why I exist is gone. She wont get to grow old. Or age. Or enjoy any milestones but the ripe old age of 6. I feel guilty and sad that she lost that chance. And completely heartbroken that she won’t see mine.
I will think of her when I pass. So fondly and softly she will be in my heart. I pray that if everyone is right, then I will get to finally see her, or at least finally be at peace with this loss. That’s the only hope I have left.
One of those, stop, it hits you, you can’t breath for a moment, feel a tightness in your chest, and tear up constantly, kind of days… deep breaths. In and out.
#katherinethebrave #dipg #lovesandkisses #seeyounexttime