Breathe

Can’t sleep. The best time to think about things that are less clear in the muddle of a normal hectic day. Do I have those anymore? I’m pretty sure I do. I probably don’t, or I just don’t care as much. Thankfully… 😂 So ya, it hit me that nothing in my life is working out as planned. Or as I’d hoped. Within my bubble. Surrounded by the expected.

So, I’m going to start trying to be a bit more happy about this direction we’re in. Less hiding from a new joy, because of the loss of our joy. Less apologies for my feelings. More strength for my fragile family. I have got to get out more. No more schlepping around so much of my loss on the outside. Bitter spittle from an old dying woman thrown at everyone within range. I need to stop pretending to be fine, when I’m never going to be. You hear that? Never… And I mostly need to stop expecting people to know what or how to support me face to face. A constant battle for parents of loss. Constant. It’s exhausting. The lack of a connection we once had with so many, is gone. And it’s not anyone’s fault. Not theirs. Not mine. Let it go.

I realize also that I should truly consider myself lucky that what is happening in our lives has a vehicle of its own with a full tank of gas and really shitty brakes. I can’t manifest the end of my road anymore, or just go lease another one. This is it… It’s not taking as much effort to steer it, at least. Less setup and winding and adjustments so that it safely fits my needs.

It. Just. Is. And that is the best part. Its too simple. And I can breathe. Not again. Not better. But for the first time ever. 💛

– Sunset in Kauai, March 2018

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