David and I have been trying to get out more. We hadn’t seen the light of day practically, in what feels like months….I know, I’m exaggerating. But there were days on end that we hadn’t, and towards the end we didn’t leave the house for a few weeks. We couldn’t leave her. We didn’t want to leave her. Miss something. Make her feel abandoned. Fail her in some way. We disappeared socially for months.
So from Tuesday thru Saturday David and I have realized (and have discussed the fact that) we are self medicating by soaking up the affection of the people around us socially, and going anywhere and everywhere we can. We spent last week visiting nieces and nephews to show them that we’re ok: they were all so very concerned about Aunty Jaime and Uncle David. I wanted to ease their minds. We are trying to get some space from the reality of it all. Get out of this home, where the memories never fail to appear around each and every corner of the house. I am fearful of forgetting any little thing, but just as fearful of remembering and suffering with those memories. It’s a constant battle we are playing in our head.
Today was a little different. We planned our little get away for the family. Cleaned up the house. Cleaned my office. Talked. Cried… A lot. We faced some things. We still haven’t touched her stuff. I can’t yet. We did finalize Katherine’s cremation however, hence the crying…
Katherine’s cremation is Wednesday. I did not want to attend this. I had been cemented with that decision since we were told she had cancer and would die, however David insists that we are there for our daughter during this event, and he is right. We owe it to her to say goodbye one more time. I just fear the finality of it all. I’m not ready to say goodbye yet. Stalling and pushing it further every day. Nothing is good enough. The wrong time. The wrong place. The wrong items to go with her. The wrong urn. The wrongful death of my child. It’s just all wrong.
The finality of picking a day and time and place, at long last, had pushed me back mentally, and emotionally, to the day she died. We both felt like a Mack truck had hit us all over again. Last night I woke up three times to check on her. Oddly… I hadn’t done that past the first or second night without her. It’s back and it’s frustrating. Still no dreams about her. However, David’s dreams are vivid. He sees her dying, over, and over, and over again… Every morning, as he moves from slumber to awareness, she’s struggling to breathe her last breaths. He ends up in a panic. Maybe that’s why I fear the dreams, and they aren’t coming, as I would want sweet dreams of Katherine, and only sweet dreams. She was our sweet dream for 7 years. I can’t let my subconscious ruin that for me.
Thank you Lauren for this video from one week ago today. The day before she passed. I forgot about this moment. Because of these recordings, we are consistently reminded of how special that time was with her. I will never regret our decision to have you there with us for the last few days.
We miss you Katie Baby. Loves and kisses sweetie, and we are so sorry.