Katie is everywhere. On the walls, hanging, under furniture, displayed for everyone, in every room, even my office. I’m sure many of the other families felt the same way. It is hard to escape the pain of never having her here to add to it any further. There will be no more art distraction, Legos nights, crafts events with cousins. No more parties at random. She loved random parties. It will be missed to incredibly much. Yet it’s also hard because it doesn’t matter where we turn, or what we are doing, she was there, Katie is everywhere. She’s still there. That’s ok, and it’s not ok, all at the same time.
I didn’t sleep at all last night. At one point I heard something rustling. Turned on the light, and one of the random balloons still flying around the house from Katie’s birthday party that she there for me (at random) came flying at me, directly into my face, and I turned on the light just in time to reach out and grab it. I was in shock. Just staring forward. Not even looking at this balloon. Just staring forward in complete silence after the initial scream of shock. I tied it to my lampshade and left the light on for the rest of the night. Sorry David, but after screaming out loud and shaking for the next hour, I couldn’t sleep in the dark. He woke me up with kisses this morning, so I’m sure he got the point.
We fly to NY tonight. After all of that stress yesterday, I had the most incredible empty feeling overcome me as I realized that we would be flying out tonight and not taking our baby with us. She would be here. Alone. Not ok. “I won’t do it!” I told David. I cried all night off and on, and part of the morning. My husband took it upon himself to contact the crematory and ask them for the proper paperwork to take her with us. They found the paperwork, fast tracked the process, and sent somebody down to the city office to get the death certificate officially filed. I can’t thank them all enough. I probably would have not got on the plane. I know it’s slightly ridiculous, but I have yet to lose my mental state, so I was due for some crazy. Luckily, I haven’t had to use it yet. When I do, I hope you all will still be here to make us feel normal.
Here’s #KatherineTheBrave. She loved roses. She had a rose party a few weeks before she passed. Here’s a picture of that party too. She was magnificent. I miss her so much.