Kyleigh Took Care Of Mommy Today Katie

I cry all of the time now. Here and there. Home or while out. Driving is the worst… Too much time to think. It doesn’t matter where I’m going, or the time of day anymore. I just lose my shit randomly and travel back to the days before she declined, and then eventually onto her days of decline, and then to the present. The awful present. Then it’s all downhill from there. Every time. I wish I could hold my sweet precious Katherine. Just one more time. I want to squeeze those frail shoulders and scoop her up and nuzzle her head and cheek. Kiss her nose and say, “I love you mongrel…” “I love you so damn much…” I’m dying inside. I’m not me anymore. It’s like I’m hovering. Or running. Or both. I can’t maintain. I can’t focus. I just can’t. I try to hold it in. I try not to make other uncomfortable. It’s hard. I can’t stop it. It comes like a tropical storm of tears and pressure. It builds like a thunderclap and roars through my head and my heart, until the tears just flow, and flow, and flow. The storm… It takes over my senses and I can’t think of anything else but my child. How could this be? Why is she gone? What did we do? What didn’t we do? Was it a dream? Was she really here? Am I being punished. Was she?Everything is just so wrong… It’s just so wrong. And just like that, it progresses. I remember something simple. Something precious. And I think fondly of her. I remember what she really was and what would matter to her most. It’s a coping mechanism. I know it’s me subconsciously trying to stop myself from going into a panic. Maybe I just cry enough to move on for a little bit longer. I can do this. I can get through the next few minutes. Hours. The morning. The night. This meeting. Buy myself some time to breathe. Like a normal person. Remember normal. Like we used to be.
Kyleigh got me through today. She brought me through the emotional theme park turnstile which I now call life. She let me talk about Katie. She didn’t stop me. Who would? She’s worried about her Aunty Jaime. I could see it. She wants me not to be sad. But she misses her too. I reminded her of how much Katie cared about her. How important it was for for Katie that Kyleigh was happy. She lived, loved and breathed Kyleigh’s happiness. She cared about everyone’s happiness, especially mine as well. It was her biggest concern ever, that other enjoyed life. So Katie, guess what? Kyleigh made mommy happy today. She took care of that for you. Mommy cried and Kyleigh talked to her. She made sure mommy smiled and didn’t get too sad. We miss you Katie. Kyleigh misses you. Loves and kisses. #KatherineTheBrave #DIPG

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