School Days

The Placentia Yorba Linda Unified School District adjourned in memory of Katherine on June 21st. We thank you all for that, and for everything you have done for Katherine after her diagnosis. She loved going to school. She loved Glenview. She made wonderful friends in her short time there. She wanted so badly to be there more too. Although she just couldn’t towards the end becuase of her anxiety. She knew she was different, the moment she was diagnosed, and no matter how hard we tried, and encouraged her, she just could not hang.
I just can’t imagine the emotions of a child at 4, 5, 6, feeling different prior to diagnosis. Why can’t I play as long as these kids? Why does my head feel so much pressure? Is anyone else feeling this? I’ll just try to ignore it. The emotions. Which after diagnosis probably led to questions of Why me? Do they all know? Why is everyone staring at me? What did that kid mean by, “Are you going to die?” Trust me, we got it all… and so did poor Katie. I wanted to save her, assuming she would live forever, and keep her education and social structure moving forward. I wanted to make her normal, but I gave up trying after a while. I was encouraged to do what was best for her, it being a terminal diagnosis, and we did. She wanted to be home. Safe. Surrounded by family.
Her teacher came here several days a week at that point, and oh man she loved that. She loved Mrs. Sullivan, with all her being. Here is Katie with Mrs. Sullivan on June 2nd, my birthday, and 4 days before she passed. She was smiling here, but #DIPG took the visual of a smile away from her. Her freshly made bird house from Erin behind her. She was so proud of every accomplishment, because they were so hard to accomplish, and she did it.
I look back and realize that my body, mind, soul prevented me from seeing the truth of what was happening to my daughter at this moment in time. The fast decline. I saw her strong and whole, and here I see that she clearly is not. I am so sad about this. I am thankful that I didn’t realize it, but I am sad that I could have said and done more possibly before she slipped into her sweet quietness. For her, and for myself, selfishly… I had more to say. I know that feeling will pass with time. I just hope it does soon.



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