I have so much swirling in my mind right now. I really needed this Saturdays celebration of life to be a stepping stone into our emotional journey of healing. I was so incredibly wrong, and right, about that. It comforted, and weakened us, in so many ways. How can someone feel so much in one day? Dredging up suffering we thought we had restored to our fragile emotions these past few months, yet calming parts of our souls we haven’t felt in over a year. We are still there, just broken. On Saturday we felt these emotions over, and over again, and we still are feeling them. I am as astonished as you, as to the determination and perseverance that parents of children who pass can possess. I receive this comment often. How do you do it? I don’t know. I don’t… I feel like a hot mess all day long. Though, I usually end that statement with, “I’m angry. I miss her. She deserved more.”
I hear a wind chime outside. A loud beautiful wind chime gifted to us after Katie passed. She never got to hear it. It’s mixed in musical harmony with Katie’s wind chimes. She had so many… The wind is blowing the leaves, their rustling on the ground. Though the loudest sounds are the leaves on the branches, swaying in cool breezes… refusing to fall. She deserved to enjoy this day… She would have asked why they refused to fall. She was so intuitive. I would have told her they were strong, and Brave, like her. She is no longer able to ask these questions, or wonder these things. By this point the tears are falling, and I’m 100% not ok, nor strong. She is gone Jaime. Focus.
Every moment, of every day, is encapsulated by Katherine, Tori and Alissa. I am learning that there is no escape when your child dies, and a very large part of you is gone with them. Those that are left, are forced to pay the price for this. Your own mind keeps you there, in that time and space, on that day they left you, regardless of your efforts to escape it. It feels as if they are here and coming around the corner any minute. It was all a dream, and it can’t be real. It’s as if they are still alive, and real, and warm, but you can’t touch them… You are not going to turn around anymore and see her there, where she was always for 7 years, reliably. She is forever lost to you, but still everywhere. She is a musical note of familiarity, a vision within your hindsight, a whisper through your subconsciousness. She was endless. But she is gone, I am angry, I miss her, and she definitely deserved more.