Daily Archives: January 19, 2017

Calming Grace

Katherine’s birthday is coming up and my mind is racing… I can’t write this without tears. I am so lonely. If I go to the gym, I think of how much she loved the play area. If it bake, I think of how much she loved to help and lick the beaters. If I drive, I think of how we would play her songs so that she could sing along the way. I lay in bed, and want to feel her arm along my side squeezing me into her. So much of her is still here, but I can’t find it in me to feel her. I have this instinct to get past the first year. If I can just get past the first year it will get better… But then I will be even further from feeling her, and the anxiety sets in. I struggle with that, moving on to heal the pain, yet not moving to far beyond my life with Katherine. I want to forget, but I refuse to forget, all at the same time. I’m sure I’m not the only one feeling this way, even though I feel so alone.
Katherine always had a different way about her. From the moment she had an opinion, she was a calming force, in a unrestrained world of choices. Our house was a Wild Things’esque environment, that no baby should have been subjected too… Yet, she handled it with grace and civility. She took 5 people, who were out of control, very loud, and opinionated, and brought us all to our knees. We envied and admired her for her ability to do this, and often made jokes about it. She didn’t do this manically, she was just pure innocence and she could look at you and calm you down. We wanted her to be happy, subconsciously to us. She on the other hand, was fighting her own internal battles. So many choices to be made, for such a small child, with more to come that she could never guess at her age. While others struggled or conformed, she held fast to her beliefs. She didn’t let others tell her how to dress, think, or feel. She just wanted her soul to be happy, and that took being real to herself, and she knew this… Even as little as a toddler, she knew this. And she wanted this feeling for everyone. Peace was important to her, and we fed off of that need ourselves for her. She was so beautiful, inside and out. We miss your peaceful aura, and calming force sweet Katie Baby. Loves and Kisses…
#KatherineTheBrave #DIPG #LovesAndKisses #RainbowSocks