In a week my life will come to a head and my heart will crush over and over as I drive by and see the kids, and frustrated parents, and busy parking lots. I will avoid it as much as possible, to not cause a scene. I will hug my kids on their way out, wishing them luck, and sob alone. Everyone will stress out over their basic life, and I will fall apart over my tragic one. You’ll all expect this from me. It’s my new role in life. To remind everyone how lucky they are, by sharing my miserable existence.
I wonder if Katherine’s 3rd grade teacher knows she won’t be there this year. I wonder who her third grade teacher would have been. I suppose they won’t know that a child they would have had has died alone, as her mind was fully working and her body completely shut down. I doubt anyone at her school even remembers her this new school year. I have no communication with them. No ones reached out. Their all excited about the new recruits and getting started on a great new year. I’m terrified. I feel like if I did reach out I’d be pushing her death on them. Again… and what would I say… “Please remember my kid.” “She loved school.” “She loved her teachers.” “She was so smart and tried to be a good student.” I know her kindergarten and 1st grade teachers remember her. But I haven’t heard a peep from anyone else who she interacted with there daily. I don’t even know who they are… my life was in turmoil. They’ve never made an appearance, I never reached out. I know everyone knew her. They all stared at me strangely for a year when the diagnosis came down, and several walked up and expressed their remorse. How could they not remember her… I’m so heartbroken because I know in my heart that they don’t.
She just faded away, and that was it. A soul gone and everyone moves on. Removed from the system with one press of a delete button. A blip in the school district database. Edited out of our reality too. How alike humans and computers are. But a restart won’t fix this error. How can nature be so heartless. To allow people who interacted so closely with a human being, cope with that beautiful human beings death so easily, by erasing her from their thoughts. Removing my child from their subconscious for their emotional stability.
I wish I could forget this whole tragedy. But I can’t. All I can think about is those who can, and I’m envious. I don’t want to forget her. I want her here. Even if it’s just memories. But to have a moment to breathe and not remember the loss, to forget that there was a precious human being torn from our family would be a nice break too. To have a basic life. No wonder they did it. No wonder they forgot. Maybe it isn’t natures cruel response. Maybe it’s easier to delete.
I’m sorry Katherine. I’m still so sorry. I love you. Loves and Kisses sweetie. See you next time. 👋